A Safe Place
by AussieGal20
Summary: Post episode 3x10: Don't Stand So Close To Me. "It's because I have a daughter isn't it? He always said he didn't want kids. I should never have had a kid." What if Ellis Grey's words had a bigger effect on Meredith than the show let on?


**Hey everyone,**

**This is my first attempt at writing a Grey's Anatomy FanFiction story so please let me know what you think.**

Meredith sat in the tub with her knees drawn up to her chest and the warm water spraying down from the shower nozzle over her head and down her body. The water droplets washing over her face merged with the tears leaking from her eyes, making it almost impossible to tell that she was crying. The only thing that gave it away was the red splotches on her cheeks. The wrinkled skin of her fingers suggested that Meredith had been sitting there for quite some time. Suddenly, Meredith could sense a change in the external world outside the safe haven in her mind. The safe place she had created in her mind while she sat in the shower. Meredith tried to force herself back to reality, but her mind wouldn't let her. Somewhere on the edge of her consciousness, she could hear a distant knocking sound, followed by the hum of a familiar voice. Meredith couldn't make out the words that were being said to her, and she couldn't find the energy to fight her mind, instead, sinking further away into the safe place in her mind.

"Meredith?" Izzie repeated after she knocked on the bathroom door for a third time. "Mere, you've been in there for a long time, are you okay?" Izzie asked her tone high-pitched with worry. Another pause.

"Meredith, I'm coming in okay? Izzie said pausing, giving Meredith the chance to refuse. When she received no reply, Izzie opened the door and saw Meredith's shadow behind the frosted glass shower door. "Meredith?"

When Meredith didn't respond, Izzie pulled the shower door aside and was greeted by the sight of her friend sitting under the shower spray, staring blankly into space, and seemingly completely unaware of anything around her.

Meredith could vaguely sense another presence with her but she couldn't, nor did she particularly want, to leave the safe place in her mind. Meredith could hear the murmuring of a voice just on the edge of her consciousness, but she couldn't make out what was being said. There was more murmuring, more noises and then suddenly it was gone and Meredith let go of reality completely, and retreated back to her safe haven where everything was silent and comfortable.

Assessing that Meredith was in no immediate physical danger, Izzie left the bathroom after turning down the temperature of the almost scalding hot water, so Meredith didn't burn her skin, more than it already was. Racing down the hall to her bedroom, Izzie rummaged through her handbag, trying to find her cell phone. When her fingers finally clutched the smooth plastic, she yanked her hand out and dialed a familiar, and yet not often used number.

"What do you want Izzie?" Cristina answered her phone impatiently. A fresh trauma had just rolled into the ER and she desperately wanted some more OR time. The only reason Cristina had answered her phone was because Izzie had called her five times in just as many minutes.

"Um, there's something wrong with Mere," Izzie said.

"There's always something wrong with Meredith," Cristina snapped, watching a mix of interns, residents and attendings wheel a gurney into a trauma room.

"No Cristina, I mean it. Something is really wrong with Meredith," Izzie urged.

Cristina could hear the barely concealed panic in Izzie's voice and if happy and smiley Izzie was panicked, then that meant something really was wrong with Meredith.

"Alright, what's wrong?" Cristina replied as calmly and politely as her personality would allow.

"Well, she's like catatonic or something. She's just sitting in the shower staring at the wall. She didn't even react when I went in there. It's like she wasn't there. She's been like this for nearly three hours Cristina! What do I do? Can you come over please?" Izzie begged. This situation reminded Cristina of the last time Izzie had called her about Meredith, the time Meredith had a 'feeling' but Izzie hadn't been nearly as panicked as she was now.

"Izzie, I can't. I'm on call tonight and–" Cristina's pager beeped. "It's a 911, Izzie, I have to go.  
"Cristina said. "Call someone else, you'll figure it out," she said before snapping her phone shut and running down the hall towards her patient.

Izzie sighed as she too hung up. There was only one other person that would be helpful in this situation. Izzie scrolled through the contacts on her phone and eventually found the number she was looking for and hit dial. The phone only rang twice before her call was answered. "Hello?"

"Dr Shepherd," Izzie breathed a sigh of relief.

It took him 20 minutes. 20 minutes from his office at Seattle Grace Hospital to Meredith's house. As soon as he'd hung up the phone with Dr Stevens, he'd raced out of his office, through the hospital to his car and sped the entire length of the drive. When he'd heard Dr Stevens say the word 'catatonic', Derek's heart had immediately dropped to his stomach, because Meredith, his Meredith, was definitely not the sort of person to become catatonic. If Meredith really was catatonic, then something had to be really, really wrong.

Derek's car was barely stationary before he jumped out and ran into the house.

"Where is she?" He asked Dr Stevens as he burst through the front door.

"Upstairs," she said, "bathroom." Derek nodded and took the stairs two at a time.

"Meredith?" Derek called out as he knocked on the door. His hopes were dashed as he received no reply. He was really hoping Meredith was just pulling a prank and as soon as he walked into the bathroom she yell 'surprise!' and yet something in his gut told him that wasn't the case. That Dr Stevens was right and Meredith was not joking.

He pushed the door opened and was greeted by the sight of his girlfriend exactly as Dr Stevens had described, huddled in the tub under a spray of water.

"Meredith, I'll be right back okay?" Derek said, again receiving no reply. He hurried out of the bathroom to Meredith's bedroom and grabbed the first clothes his hands touched in her closet before making his way back to the bathroom.

"Meredith, it's me," Derek announced himself again. Still, Meredith remained unresponsive to his voice. "Mere, what's wrong? I can help you only if you talk," Derek said as he gently placed his hand on her shoulder.

This gesture gave him no response from Meredith and Derek was starting to worry.

"Meredith," he said again, not really expecting anything from her, but still hoping Meredith would come to her senses. Derek shut off the water and got into the tub, kneeling down behind Meredith placing his hands on her elbows and slowly guiding her into a standing position. Although she stood up in a fluid motion, Meredith didn't move her body voluntarily, Derek had to lift her out of the tub and stand her on the bathroom floor. She stayed in her trance like state as Derek gently towel dried her body and hair before dressing her in the clothes he had retrieved from her closet. Derek noticed the faint lines of tear tracks on Meredith's face, but her eyes were dry now, and Derek didn't know if that was a good or bad thing.

"Meredith, can you walk for me?" Derek asked her as he placed his hand on the small of her back and nudged her, hoping that she would move forward. Instead she stood as still as a statue, staring blankly ahead. Derek sighed and scooped her up gently, carrying her to her bedroom and placed her softly in the bed, under the covers. He walked around the bed and slid in gently beside her, pulling her body against his, cradling her as he stroked the side of her body.

"Meredith it's okay, you're alright," he whispered quietly. "I'm here, it's alright, I'm here." Derek repeated these words over and over again, waiting for Meredith to hear them.

Meredith was vaguely aware that something was different. She felt different. She was slowly being pulled from her safe place, but she didn't want to leave. She was happy here. At the edge of her consciousness she could feel something touching her, moving her body and then suddenly, it was like she was swaying. It was peaceful, gentle even. Like she was floating weightlessly in the water. She slipped back, her mind finally letting her go back to the safe place.

She didn't know how long she stayed in the safe place before she was being pulled away. Again. She could hear a noise, a voice. A constant hum that was soothing and slowly it came into focus. The hum turned into words.

"Meredith it's okay, you're alright, I'm here, it's alright, I'm here." Over and over again, she heard these words repeated in the low, calming voice she recognized. Meredith struggled to remember and suddenly it came to her. Derek. Derek was with her. The realization was so overwhelming that it pulled her further away from the safe place. But it was okay. She was safe. Derek was there with her and she was safe. She didn't need the safe place if Derek was there, he'd keep her safe.

"Meredith its okay, you're alright, I'm here, it's alright, I'm here."

"Derek," she said softly. Her throat sore and scratchy from the crying she'd done earlier.

"Meredith," Derek breathed in a sigh of relief.

"How long?" she asked. How long had she been in her safe place for? She wondered.

"Izzie said you were in the shower for about three hours," Derek told her. The shower? Meredith struggled to remember having a shower, but she couldn't. And then she could. She remembered the warm spray running over her body. Washing away the day Meredith wanted to forget. "And then I brought you here and we've been lying in bed for about six hours," Derek continued. Nine hours. Meredith had been in the safe place for nine hours. But it felt like so much more.

"Mere, are you okay?" Derek asked her calmly.

Meredith paused. Was she okay? She was about to answer with her trademark "I'm fine," but something stopped her. She remembered the safe place and the safe feeling she had when she heard Derek's voice. Derek was there, and he could help her.

"No," she whispered.  
-

Derek wasn't expecting that answer. He was surprised by the truthfulness behind it. He had been expecting Meredith to lie, to hide her feelings like she always had in the past.

"What's wrong?" he asked her, not knowing if she would give him the answer.

"Everything," Meredith said. "Nothing. Everything is the same as it was this morning. That's what's wrong." A single tear slipped down her cheek.

Derek lifted his hand to her face and gently wiped away the tear with his thumb.

"Meredith, start from the beginning. What is so bad that it put you in a catatonic state?" Derek asked her.

"I went to visit my mother this morning," Meredith said.

Of course. Meredith's family was one of the few things that bothered her this much.

"Is she alright? She not sick or anything?" Derek asked

"Apart from the Alzheimer's, she's fine," Meredith said. "She just…she just said some things."  
"Meredith, whatever she said, it's not true and you know it," Derek said, trying to comfort her.

"This is. This is true and I've always known it. But hearing it out loud hurt more than I thought it would," Meredith sobbed. She turned her body so she was facing Derek and buried her face in his shirt.

"Meredith Shhh, it's okay, you're alright, I'm here, it's alright, I'm here," Derek murmured, repeating the soothing words he had been chanting for hours. As Meredith's sobs slowed, she continued talking.

"My father never wanted me enough to fight for us," she said. "And he made a new family and clearly never regretted the decision." Meredith sucked in a deep shaky breath, the kind you took to stop yourself from crying. "And I don't mind, I barely know the man so, whatever," Meredith said.

Derek stroked her cheek gently with his thumb.

"Meredith, what did your mother say that has you crying in the shower for hours and puts you in a catatonic state?" Derek asked her.

"Hey, I thought that I could have a long shower and wash all of todays dark and twisty away. I didn't know that I'd go catatonic. Besides, isn't that better than me becoming best friends with tequila again?" Meredith snapped at Derek.

"Well I suppose it's healthier, but this was more worrying for me," Derek said.

"Right, sorry," Meredith apologized.

"Meredith, you can tell me what your mother said," Derek urged. "I can help you." He was instantly remind of the time Meredith had told him about sleeping with George.

Alright, you tell me what's wrong, I'll tell you how to fix it.

Only then it was a big horrible thing she had done, not something that had been done to her, that made her so distraught that her mind needed to block out the entire world.

Meredith exhaled loudly, exactly like she had in the scrub room.

"She blames me. She blames me for Richard leaving and she blames me for ruining her life," Meredith said.

"Mere," Derek said. "It's wasn't your fault and you know it," Derek tried to convince her as as he pulled her against his chest and rubbed her back soothingly.

"No, Derek, it was," Meredith said with conviction. "When she said it, she wasn't talking to me. She was back 20 years ago, talking to one of her med school friends and she said 'it's because I have a daughter isn't it? He always said he didn't want kids. I should never have had a kid.'" Meredith glared at Derek, but she could barely see his face through the unshed tears in her eyes.

"Meredith, your mother wasn't lucid. It is not your fault. You were not the reason Richard didn't stay with your mother and you know that, Richard told you that he couldn't leave Adele," Derek told her.

"But–" Meredith began to contradict him, but Derek cut her off.

"No Meredith, you can't beat yourself up over this. You say your mother wasn't lucid right? You said she was talking to one of her med school friend's right?" Derek asked.

"Yes, but–"

"Well then, your mother was venting. She didn't know why Richard left her; she was just trying to think of the reasons why he did. Meredith your mother loved you and you know that, she just couldn't show it. To you or anyone else," Derek said, the tone in his voice telling her that he whole-heartedly believed what he was saying.

"Do you really believe that though?" Meredith asked him, her eyes as well as her words begged for his reassurance.

"Yes Meredith, I do. I know that you are not at fault for your father leaving your mother, or for Richard staying with Adele. I know you've been abandoned by almost everyone in your life, me included, but that's not going to happen again. I'm here with you and I always will be," Derek said to her  
"Thank you Derek," Meredith said, and finally in her heart, she was starting to believe him.

**I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I liked writing it.**

**Please review,**

**AussieGal20.**


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